i never thought i’d miss a hand so much.

this was a much better easter than the last.

less exhausting, more full of love and acceptance.

more full of family. not mine, but family nonetheless.

and i like your family. a lot.

surrogate families are important to the displaced.

i’ve been gathering them for years.

they’ve recently made their presence known with kind thoughts and welcome gifts since i graduated.

i appreciate each and every one.

and i appreciate you.

and everything about you.

and even though i can’t always have everyone close to me at once,

and frequently have to have those around that i wish were not,

my life is very beautiful.

the sprouts on my lilac tree in the afternoon when i wake up with wine and a smoke,

the sound my typewriter makes when i copy down particularly lovely text messages,

the smell of my tiny dog after he’s been sleeping quite soundly,

the way it feels to wake up in good company,

the sunlight, but moreso, the darkness.

or that time just before the darkness, when it’s still light, but you know that night is encroaching.

sunrises over the church on the next block,

(much as i am growing to dislike the rising sun in general.)

the future.

progress.

blind and blatant and over-used optimism.

the use of lighters.

reading short stories on the porch and drinking porter.

hiding in the corner of the darkest bar in town and drinking porter.

standing in the kitchen in my cartoon underpants drinking porter.

stolen internet.

sewing.

vinyl.

____________________________________

yes, my life is fine.

hey, that’s no way to say goodbye

imma miss this radio studio a lot.

a whole lot.

<3 thanks, KUGS, for being the only place i ever felt at home on campus. even when i lived here.

so the scenery is healthy where her eyes lay

on campus, covering the public affairs program at radio.

finally a night off work. going to the honeymoon with adam later, which i’m quite cheered about.

i feel very strange about every material particle of this campus now.

it’s not mine anymore. and i think i’m ok with that.

i graduated with a 3.6 GPA! hurray!

the bay is quite lovely today.
i will miss that.

when your rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and i’ll be gone

well, hmm.

i suppose i have a bachelor’s degree now.

how about that.

i suppose it’s not such a big deal, as no one seems to care about it quite as much as i do. and maybe i’m taking it too far, but i don’t care, really.

indiana seems pretty happy.

so does this chest cold i’ve got. it’s pretty contended.

i pretty much could type out any dylan lyric right about now, and it would be appropriate for how i feel.

alone, sick, in bed with the dog. it’s hailing and warm-ish.

getting antsy in the city and thinking about leaving.

patting myself on the back for what? working and paying money and staying awake (sometimes) and writing and bullshitting and planning?

for being too proud to ever give it up until i was done?

for making “moving home” never an option?

for being stubborn and unable/unwilling to take anyone’s hand?

but i guess i did do it.

and i did it myself.

now there’s nothing keeping me in bellingham.

or washington.

or anywhere.
don’t think twice, it’s alright.

xoxo me.

the liking did me better than i ever thought it would.

i want to sleep until graduation.

and then keep sleeping.

it’s very cold in my house. thanks for trying to help, but as usual, it’s beyond any of our control.

inundated with thoughts of the media. steeping in paper topics that require a linguistic tango that exhausts me mentally, but really, doesn’t take that much effort.

i got a package today in the mail that brought me to the carpet beside the dog and in front of the space heater and kept me there for a very long time. and it hurt very much. because i hurt someone very much and i didn’t mean to. and i miss it, too, but i know it’s not like that anymore.

remember how many other things were at play? the hormones and the drugs and the depression and the loneliness and the heat and the distance and the helplessness and the poverty and the angst and the newness and the youth?

some of those factors are still present. what is no longer present is us, as eighteen and nineteen, respectively. and unfortunately, i think that that is perhaps the crux of feeling like we did when we said all of those things, and were stupid enough to put them into print.

it hurts a lot to think about how i used to feel. that summer is excruciating to remember.

i had to close the book.

two little girls.

life looks a lot like this lately.

that’s kyler and i on halloween.

she was audry,i was belle. yes, that’s pikachu behind us.

and we’re at a bar.

we drank wine and played with the dog before we went out…
so those are the good parts.

making like glade, with this awesome plug.

vote for me for best waitress in bellingham.

www.cascadiaweekly.com

xoxo hanna

little bird, have you heard, freedom lies, freedom lies.

plus: this is post 100.

minus: living alone is alone-some.

plus: triple-digit cash money in my pocket every night.

minus: exhaustion.

plus: lovely weather, lovely city.

minus: no one to go play in it with.

plus: a lot of familiar niceties in the workplace on the daily.

minus: social anxiety keeps it at that.

plus: beautiful sunshine dog here.

minus: beautiful sunshine boy there.

plus: the end of school is in sight.

minus: i won’t, i feel, have anyone in town to celebrate with when it comes.

my self-imposed status as a hermit is catching up to me, as i come to mildly dread nights off, because they mean nights i will spend at home, alone, with no one to call except someone who can’t come.

i am homesick for something that no longer exists, as it now resides in too many cities.

BOO, EMO KID.

xoxo me.

ah, i was riding my bike home from work this morning.

and apparently, it is autumn.

boo.

additionally, i’m not really sure where home is anymore.

but it is this bed right here.

because anywhere is home after nine hours in a greasy bar.

and in a couple years they’ve grown into a perfect family.

my new apartment is nice, but strange. when i got home at 3:30 AM after work, it was unbearably lonesome and quiet. usually, the outside world, the place between work and home, is that way, but then it’s all better when i come home and someone else is there.

which once again supports my belief that indiana is amazing. he’s really good company, for the most part.

so are ceiling fans.

and comic books!

and pirated internet.

unfortunately, i’m so spoilt, that i actually groaned when my thieved connection to a non-existent web of communication was too slow to support the viewing of any media on netflix instant. boo.

i had a really good weekend playing house with zach again. the novelty never wears off, especially when rollerblading in the house and eating ice cream for breakfast are on the agenda.

i love you! move to bellingham. jobs are stupid.

xoxo hanna