and she’ll say “oh, yeah, well, i feel pretty happy, too.”

i ran out of chemicals to keep my mood in check.
it is now, i suppose, “destabilized.”

but it’s great.

the return to humanity from the mechanization of my own body was worth any difficult, sweating, jaw clenched-and-locked re-entry.

things make me deeply happy again, instead of just “less ambivalent.”

i find my face uncomfortable from unbridled smiling, especially when i’m face-to-face with certain others.

i find myself forced to relate this to the person/people whom i am face-to-face with.

fingerpicked guitars, barren tree branches, blond hair and crystalline lawns are all more stunning, more worthwhile, and cause for stopping and listening or touching.

i’m twelve again, journaling and pondering and thinking everything is so much deeper and realer than anyone else could ever even notice.

even indiana is more precious and alive and soft and the savior than ever.
you are now free to move about the cabin.

well it takes one to know one, hon, i think you’ve got it bad.

note to self: STOP LOOKING AT PHOTOGRAPHS.

ouch!

every now and then, life just bitchslaps you.  and it’s not always in a mean way, perse, but more in a way to jolt you awake and say hey! remember who you are!

learn your place, little girl.

but then sometimes it gives you a big hug. or a massage from a sketchy dude you don’t know.  which is strange?

i had a lovely time last night, mostly. so glad that paige came. we had a very delightful series of conversations and several breakthroughs. about summitting mt. everest and other equally important issues.

i miss zachary. i wish he could be comfortable here.

but now i’m taking the boy (dogs) to the park, before the sun runs away behind those looming december clouds.

p.s. have you checked my mom’s journal yet?