we’ll comment on the decor and we’ll help the passers-by

dear daddy-

i can’t stop listening to the news.

last night on democracy now, amy goodman said that each day, about eighty (80) people die in america as a result of gun violence.

recently, it seems, more than usual have been officers of the law.

maybe it’s due to rising frustrations, as the middle-class is slowly growing more deeply resentful, or maybe it’s just part of social downturns, but either way, it doesn’t stop that fact that in small towns, in corridors and alleys and on trains and at routine traffic stops, the bullet-proof vest, and the opened squad car door and the return fire of less-lethal ammunition doesn’t prevent flag-draped caskets from piling up.

i don’t want to stand in a row next to dress-blues when they play taps and everyone stands, heads bowed in prayer, but really just in hope that they or someone they know aren’t next.

so like….be careful at work, ok?

-your daughter.

yours is the only version of my desertion that I could ever subscribe to

here are a few great things:

-indiana.

-interpol.

-wheat thins. (esp. when you can stand in front of your refrigerator with a box of wheat thins tucked under your arm and systematically go through the condiments and other assorted fridge fare and dip them in anything you notice.)

-family.

-specifically, my family. more specifically, my hero/grandfather. what a fucking man. DAMN. he is, i believe, mostly responsible for any awesomeness that i bear. or any of us, really. him and my own father. Mom, we got real lucky for a family full of hard-luck white-trash/ immigrants and others searching for political/religious/linguistic asylum.

-public radio.

-making friends.

-having a job that makes me not really care if it’s a work day or not, because i know it will be funny either way.

-bourbon.

-beer.

xoxox

unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.

i’ve been meaning to say something, but meaning has been something i’ve been struggling with.

i’m unsure where it stems from, and i’m completely in the dark about where it goes from there.

and just when i think something means something, or doesn’t mean anything,

the light turns off and there i am, bumping into the nightstand trying to find it.

heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.

this is the truest truth there ever was:

there is and never will be enough time to be spent with loved ones.

no matter how many days off you take, or how fast you drive to see them.

happiness for people like us lies in the idea, and nowhere else

i hope everyone knows that the subjects of my posts are never things i’ve written to myself.

just wanted to clarify.

in other news, i am a firm believer that a person will never be as close to someone as they are with someone that they are related to.

genetic similarities and identical upbringing are an unbeatable combination.

even when we’re just sitting across the table from eachother, making small comments and going about our daily activities, the rapport of eighteen years spent living in the same home is unsinkable.

siblings are an amazing phenomenon.

i’m not sure how anyone lives through losing them, let alone help re-raise their offspring and quell the instablilty of their widower.

Mom and Dad, do take credit. Because every one of the babies you bore is a miracle. And I feel blessed to have grown up amid the four of you.

or even map the ocean.

blahblah i’m a basket case.

with an exploded eye.

it’s the fates slapping me and saying “hey! don’t get so cocky!”

so i won’t.

my brother is coming to see me! i’m excited, for both of us. for poor kids like we were, getting out of town is an adventure and and of itself. this is something i’ve been explaining to zachary. apparently, when you actually have GONE on vacations, just skipping town on a train isn’t quite the same.

emma called today and was so concerned. my siblings are the best people on earth, i think.
apparently, our genetics were really great (thanks marmalade and daddy-pie)

i wish J.D.  had his passport, though, so we could cross the boarder. or that the boarder wasn’t on lockdown in the biggest diversion of all time.
what the hell, by the way? the longest undefended boarder is not really our greatest concern these days.

on that note, i feel like the government is standing in iraq, or at the boarders, or in the whitehouse, waving their arms to get all of our attention away from real issues- like the genocide we know is happening, the epidemics we aren’t aiding with, and even the depleted national guard, rendered useless when our own soil is flooding like a backed-up toilet. maybe once theMcMansions start floating down the street, assaulting civilians in the name of “freedom” won’t be such a pressing issue.

so really. let my brother and i go out of the country.

c’mon election…..

in other news, today we took the dog down to the beach to wash off our spirits.

it worked, of course. fridgid, bayside, with hoods on and shells in pockets, slipping on kelp and smelling salt and detritus.

i love this town these days.

xoxo hanna

p.s. eug-bound this weekend. already have a few dates planned. pretty fucking stoked.

all dead white boys say “god is good.”

things are okay. i think i just have to keep saying that over and over again.

this too shall pass.

this too shall pass.

i swear, this will pass.

this has got to pass.

at least i finished my midterms. 2 silly papers and a few ridiculous essay exams. it’s a good thing my major is so retardedly easy.

tomorrow is motherfucking valentines day.

and i’m going to spend it with my two unconditional loves-

indiana and interstate 5.

maybe i will purchase an entire cake for the drive, and listen to better than ezra, and maybe get a strawberry air freshener and pretend i’m rolling in that white low-rider honda civic and lying about it.

and maybe i will throw chocolate kisses and swear words at passers-by, to express my rage at the idea that there needs to be ONE day where you tell people you love them. like the other 364 (actually, 365 this year) days  don’t count?

that you shouldn’t buy candy and paste collage cards for the lights of you life any other day?

please.

i’ll spend it on the road home, thankyouverymuch.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

i know my actions say no, but it’s because keeping my own self breathing and moving and living is pretty much all i can do. and running away is always something i was only kind of good at.

now leave me the hell alone and let me leave town.

even if last night i felt like a part of something nice when i was surrounded by delightful faces and heavy smoke.

and sitting on a porch with lights at the bottom of the hill, i thought “yeah, maybe something really does happen between  birth and death.”

but maybe not.

alright. this is more than an “update.”

this is a mess of emo confessional verbal drool and i shall put a stop to it now!

<3