they know not if it’s dark outside or light.

here are few points of clarification:

1.) my laptop is dead.

2.) i won’t be in the eug until the middle of june at the earliest.

3.) my heart is broken.

4.) my manager is the anti-christ.

5.) going out to brunch on a day when you “don’t feel like doing the dishes” simply passes off the duty to someone who feels like doing them even less, preferably with their own mother.

6.) mother’s day is actually a pretty terrible holiday. i know everyone had a mother at one point, but not everyone does at this present moment. and even if they do, somewhere, maybe an entire day spent thinking about her when she’s a grillion miles away isn’t the universally cheery notion that the upwardly wealthy think it is.

7.) today i saw a gaggle of pants-suit wearing women with cotton-candy hair holding spidery-veined hands saying grace over their reconstituted $22 eggs, and then immediately power through three bottles of champagne. at ten-thirty in the morning.

8.) remember my sadistic manager? even she asked me if i was ok today.

9.) no, i wasn’t.

10.) i want to go home.

 

 

so instead, i’m watching almost famous over and over again.

and spending a lot of time at the beach.

or even map the ocean.

blahblah i’m a basket case.

with an exploded eye.

it’s the fates slapping me and saying “hey! don’t get so cocky!”

so i won’t.

my brother is coming to see me! i’m excited, for both of us. for poor kids like we were, getting out of town is an adventure and and of itself. this is something i’ve been explaining to zachary. apparently, when you actually have GONE on vacations, just skipping town on a train isn’t quite the same.

emma called today and was so concerned. my siblings are the best people on earth, i think.
apparently, our genetics were really great (thanks marmalade and daddy-pie)

i wish J.D.  had his passport, though, so we could cross the boarder. or that the boarder wasn’t on lockdown in the biggest diversion of all time.
what the hell, by the way? the longest undefended boarder is not really our greatest concern these days.

on that note, i feel like the government is standing in iraq, or at the boarders, or in the whitehouse, waving their arms to get all of our attention away from real issues- like the genocide we know is happening, the epidemics we aren’t aiding with, and even the depleted national guard, rendered useless when our own soil is flooding like a backed-up toilet. maybe once theMcMansions start floating down the street, assaulting civilians in the name of “freedom” won’t be such a pressing issue.

so really. let my brother and i go out of the country.

c’mon election…..

in other news, today we took the dog down to the beach to wash off our spirits.

it worked, of course. fridgid, bayside, with hoods on and shells in pockets, slipping on kelp and smelling salt and detritus.

i love this town these days.

xoxo hanna

p.s. eug-bound this weekend. already have a few dates planned. pretty fucking stoked.

and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time.

let’s get a few thing straight…

1.) melissa accurately described “crunchy.” It is a term of endearment. Nicer than “neo-hippie” or worse, “trustafarian.” if you wear birkenstocks with socks and a stylish raincoat, or eat Nancy’s yogurt most of the time, you’re probably pretty crunchy.

2.) spring break is the last week of march. the week before that is “finals” but, as i am an english major, i have no real finals. just essays and “projects.” So all i’ll be doing those last two weeks in march is working, playing with indiana and trying to beat the series cup in Mario Strikers with Zach and Lindsay. And probably bumming with Katy and Ellis and Keith. I have a fold-out couch *hint hint* and live in a pretty cute town *hint hint*.

3.) School is kind of a joke sometimes, but I’m also deeply in love with being a student. Today in post-modernism (joke) we talked about fetishes for an hour and a half (double joke.)however, in my semantics/discourse/lexography class (awesome), we discussed ideolects and dialects (super-awesome.)

I’ve developed a very big soft spot for grammar. I’m so enthused for my structure of english class next quarter. Diagramming sentences = loads of fun.

Is that gross?

In my time-warp class, we discussed the narcissim that is inherent to blogging. this is true. i choose to ignore this an continue to pump my “ideas” into the interweb. it’s just easier.

here are my top 5 bands this week:

1.) Thief

2.) The Helio Sequence

3.) Vampire Weekend

4.) Throw me the Statue

5.) Barton Carroll

today i have to assemble a package to send across the country.

i like the idea of it being transported hand-over-hand and eventually to the air and then finally to a cute little single belonging to a cute little girl.

xoxo hanna

makes you want to move your dancin’ feet.

here are a few things that make it OK to continue existing-

1.) Bicycles. There is truely no feeling like riding one. If you haven’t got one, maybe check Craigslist at your nearest convinience.

2.) The moon. When I was driving home last night, I was truely amazed by it. It’s this huge mass that is so in love with the Earth, that it spends all it’s time spinning around it. And it’s so complementary to the sun, that even in the night, it relfects light back to us. It’s really a great relationship, if you think about it.

3.) Indiana. This dog continues to amaze me. He learns new tricks in a matter of days,  never strays too far from my sight, and is so loving i can hardly stand it. The other thing i love about him is how much joy he brings to OTHER people. Today we walked down to the store, and every person we passed instantly radiated. He’s very adorable (of course) but he also really lives up to his second name- Sunshine!

I think I might finally be on the up-swing.

all dead white boys say “god is good.”

things are okay. i think i just have to keep saying that over and over again.

this too shall pass.

this too shall pass.

i swear, this will pass.

this has got to pass.

at least i finished my midterms. 2 silly papers and a few ridiculous essay exams. it’s a good thing my major is so retardedly easy.

tomorrow is motherfucking valentines day.

and i’m going to spend it with my two unconditional loves-

indiana and interstate 5.

maybe i will purchase an entire cake for the drive, and listen to better than ezra, and maybe get a strawberry air freshener and pretend i’m rolling in that white low-rider honda civic and lying about it.

and maybe i will throw chocolate kisses and swear words at passers-by, to express my rage at the idea that there needs to be ONE day where you tell people you love them. like the other 364 (actually, 365 this year) days  don’t count?

that you shouldn’t buy candy and paste collage cards for the lights of you life any other day?

please.

i’ll spend it on the road home, thankyouverymuch.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

i know my actions say no, but it’s because keeping my own self breathing and moving and living is pretty much all i can do. and running away is always something i was only kind of good at.

now leave me the hell alone and let me leave town.

even if last night i felt like a part of something nice when i was surrounded by delightful faces and heavy smoke.

and sitting on a porch with lights at the bottom of the hill, i thought “yeah, maybe something really does happen between  birth and death.”

but maybe not.

alright. this is more than an “update.”

this is a mess of emo confessional verbal drool and i shall put a stop to it now!

<3

Pain has an element of blank;

It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain

-Emily Dickinson

How old am I, starting my blog with poetry? What year is this?

Today I saw the counselor, who is similar to the music teacher I had in elementary school. My counselor’s name is Toi. My music teacher’s name was Cina. I bet they have close-together birthdays, because they are very similar- they are very sharp, like they know you’re good for better that what you’re giving them.

I only lied to her about one thing: when she gave me a newsletter of some group sessions on different topics, and pointed out one on Grief and Loss, I told her I “wasn’t ready”

What I meant was “I don’t want to sit in a room full of crying people, trying to be the saddest one there.”

I may see a counselor, but i’m not fucking crazy.

Today’s other highlight- I gave the dog a bath.

WOOO!These are the best years of my life!

neck deep in contradiction in the gut of the beast

i am excited for-

-the blue scholars on saturday. i am fully prepared to hand over my senses and become immersed in epic words.
- Lonely, Dear. Their album is really lovely and I finally got it onto my computer.
-music in general.
-also, Post Harbor. Like Muse, but also like Explosions in the Skyl, but also like….early 90’s Kurt and Chris? Mostly, just beautiful.
-the greenness of everything.
-the greenness of me.
-the shrinking moon.
-my little indiana.

i’ve been writing like the price of ink is on the rise. it’s really been theraputic.
it’s keeping me out of a plunge. which i feel is immintent, but I keep rocking back on my heels, keeping my center of balance just low enough not to spill over into the sea.

everything is moderately mysterious theses days. and although everything is recycled, and nothing is truthfully new or different or novel, it all feels like the first.

the first full moon. the first deep frost. the first frozen puddle. the first crisp night. the first song. the first word.

people are dropping off from all around. i wonder what it means for anything to be permenent.
or meaningful, for that matter.

in my 16th century lit class, we were discussing Sir Wyatt the Elder, and his poetry, and how he continuously decided that he had wasted his time in the pursuit of love, that he had nothing to show for it, that he had squandered his youth.

but when you get down to it- what does it mean to waste? if something was learned, or a piece of art was borne or even an idea was formed, then wasn’t it purposeful, or at least meaningful? and really, what does it mean for something to “work out” if the end result is the big sleep anyway. I mean, how is there such a thing as a “fairy tale ending” when we all know that “happily ever after” is the same as “until they both died.”

the fact is this- our minutes of breath, of youth and of energy in motion in general are finite. and as long as you are interacting, loving, excersizing your ability to emote and feel and sense and touch and experience, then what does it mean for anything to be for naught?

alright, the point of it all is this- there is no such thing as a waste of time, as long as in the end you are a more evolved person. because everyone arrives at the same conclusion- it’s just who enjoys the trip there more.

so fucking love someone. alright?

and furthermore-

nothing in the world can be promised to any degree of certaintly except for that check, written out from fate, to be cashed when your time is up. you’re going to die and that’s all there is to be sure about.

so no, i can’t promise anything “forever.” i can’t even promise anything for tomorrow.
i can only say, right now, that i love you. whatever that means at the exact moment that you hear it, or read it, or even remember that i said it.

so i guess i made meaning. but it may only be meaningful right now, in this context.

but that’s another discussion entirely.

Noble characters and pure affections and happy scenes are very comforting things. They’re a refuge from life’s disillusionments.

what is this with the people dying? how did i live an entire life relatively removed from mortality, and now it’s flooding towards me.

the tide is coming in, but i’m not done trying to find creatures in the pools.

but maybe that will help with the sandcastles i want to build all around me.

and everyone knows that a pail full of dry sand doesn’t make a tower for a princess.

what am i even talking about?

the point is this:

i want love to be the focus of every interaction. i want everyone to look into everyone else’s eyes and see exactly how amazing every single person is. i want love to pour out of every cashier, pump jock, douchey business man and lying politician, because the more energy you can transfer to someone else, the more room you have to receive more.

it’s like incense- fan it a little, and the light gets bigger, and everything is sweet and smokey.

that’s my optimism for the day. chew it like gum, because it’s rare of late.

xoxo me

ouch!

every now and then, life just bitchslaps you.  and it’s not always in a mean way, perse, but more in a way to jolt you awake and say hey! remember who you are!

learn your place, little girl.

but then sometimes it gives you a big hug. or a massage from a sketchy dude you don’t know.  which is strange?

i had a lovely time last night, mostly. so glad that paige came. we had a very delightful series of conversations and several breakthroughs. about summitting mt. everest and other equally important issues.

i miss zachary. i wish he could be comfortable here.

but now i’m taking the boy (dogs) to the park, before the sun runs away behind those looming december clouds.

p.s. have you checked my mom’s journal yet?