all ya can do is do what you must, yeah, you do what you must and you do it well.

i must:

continue to know that exactly who i am is who i am supposed to be. and that’s good enough.

continue to not settle for the lesser, lazier, more selfish parts, and aspire to do right by those around me.

continue to take care of those around me.

remain invested in this quarter until it’s actually over.

work, no matter how much i hate it.

save money, no matter how much i hate it.

participate in the system, no matter how much i hate it.

speak honestly and demand the same of others.

do what i’m good at.

continue to attempt to quell my outrageous jealous streak.

and admit that there are some things that will never, never, never be me.

and maybe i wouldn’t want them to be me, anyway.

__________________________________________

i never thought i’d look to something i’d heard from pat avery, but….

above all, i have to continue to live truthfully within the given circumstances.

<3 see you all on sunday.

heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.

this is the truest truth there ever was:

there is and never will be enough time to be spent with loved ones.

no matter how many days off you take, or how fast you drive to see them.

or even map the ocean.

blahblah i’m a basket case.

with an exploded eye.

it’s the fates slapping me and saying “hey! don’t get so cocky!”

so i won’t.

my brother is coming to see me! i’m excited, for both of us. for poor kids like we were, getting out of town is an adventure and and of itself. this is something i’ve been explaining to zachary. apparently, when you actually have GONE on vacations, just skipping town on a train isn’t quite the same.

emma called today and was so concerned. my siblings are the best people on earth, i think.
apparently, our genetics were really great (thanks marmalade and daddy-pie)

i wish J.D.  had his passport, though, so we could cross the boarder. or that the boarder wasn’t on lockdown in the biggest diversion of all time.
what the hell, by the way? the longest undefended boarder is not really our greatest concern these days.

on that note, i feel like the government is standing in iraq, or at the boarders, or in the whitehouse, waving their arms to get all of our attention away from real issues- like the genocide we know is happening, the epidemics we aren’t aiding with, and even the depleted national guard, rendered useless when our own soil is flooding like a backed-up toilet. maybe once theMcMansions start floating down the street, assaulting civilians in the name of “freedom” won’t be such a pressing issue.

so really. let my brother and i go out of the country.

c’mon election…..

in other news, today we took the dog down to the beach to wash off our spirits.

it worked, of course. fridgid, bayside, with hoods on and shells in pockets, slipping on kelp and smelling salt and detritus.

i love this town these days.

xoxo hanna

p.s. eug-bound this weekend. already have a few dates planned. pretty fucking stoked.

the curfew had been lifted and the gamblin’ wheel shut down

here are a few things that i know to be as true as anything has ever been:

1.) Bob Dylan is the greatest artist of all time. I base this on several rock-star factors. One, he was/kind of still is an incredibly sexy man. Two, he is a poet. And better than most actual poets, at that. Three, he has a beautiful voice. In an interesting kind of way.

2.) I’m very excited to see my brother!!! I might even have time to spend with him! And he gets to come to the KUGS, and we’re going to go eat sweet potato fries and drink mac+jack with zach (ha, that rhymed) at the ’shoe, and take my dog to the park, and lol and lol and lol. And yes, I’m also coming to Eugene, though it might be a one-night engagement. So we’ll see how that all goes.
3.) Barak Obama = thumbsup. anyone who says otherwise has no compassion and no conscious or is completely ignorant to the desperate situation this country/world is really in. and also doesn’t give two shits about their children, or grandchildren, or potential children or grand children. because even if you’re going to kick it in ten years, you made those kids come into the world, so you’d better fucking leave it in decent shape for them.

4.) i love to paint.

5.) i love KUGS.

just pretend i didn’t tear your world apart.

i like kimya dawson very much.
if i had a beautiful voice, i could make music like she does.

but instead, i will just sing along.

and think it’s me.

and maybe play the songs on the radio.

and post the lyrics to my journal.

like this:

and where will I go where I can feel safe
when my family sells its place
and we all split up and move away?
I’m trying to be brave ’cause when I’m brave
other people feel brave
but I feel like my heart is caving in

i want to go play the guitar.

and drink tea.

and go home.

i miss lamplight and curly hair and pot-smelling apartments and dreadlocks and couches where couches don’t belong.

the puget sound can go straight to hell. it’s no willamette river and it never will be, no matter how crunchy these seattle kids think they are. fuck.

xoxo hanna

p.s. day 4 of liquid diet is going well. i decided next week will be “only raw fruit + veggies + any liquids i want”

ha.

ouch!

every now and then, life just bitchslaps you.  and it’s not always in a mean way, perse, but more in a way to jolt you awake and say hey! remember who you are!

learn your place, little girl.

but then sometimes it gives you a big hug. or a massage from a sketchy dude you don’t know.  which is strange?

i had a lovely time last night, mostly. so glad that paige came. we had a very delightful series of conversations and several breakthroughs. about summitting mt. everest and other equally important issues.

i miss zachary. i wish he could be comfortable here.

but now i’m taking the boy (dogs) to the park, before the sun runs away behind those looming december clouds.

p.s. have you checked my mom’s journal yet?