now sweet sixteen’s gone twenty-one

it’s true! i aged!

i did not:

-vomit.
-make a total fool of myself.
-”black out” (whatever that actually means.)
-have to sift through any drama.

i did:

-spend it with most of the people in this little city that i wanted to.
-give pizza to a homeless man.
-eat a really big cookie.
-see a wide array of establishments and humans.
-see a surprising number of people i knew. which was fun.
-get stood up, a little, but fuck them anyway.

i also only drank beer all night.

lots of it.

several kinds.

and several mac + jack’s.

so, not bad.

thanks friends, for caring. you’re pretty fucking good ones.

and for the ones that i didn’t get to raise one with, well…

i intend to know you all for a proper long time.

so no worries, there.

and today it’s sunny.

so imma get on my bike.

you must raise your prayer to a shout.

well, that was strange.

when i make the pilgrimage from here to there, my spirits are always lifted in a most amazing way upon crossing the columbia river. i usually take a deep sigh and always smile like a moron.

because oregon is home.
but today, as i was coming down around the Chuckanuts, circumnavigating Lake Samish and eventually “Entering Whatcom County,” i sighed. because bellingham is kind of home.

i have friends here now. i think they actually like me.
and my house was beautiful when i arrived.

and zachary was wonderful and warm and comforting.

and everyone was cheerful, given the circumstances.

it was nice.
the thing is, travel sounds pretty cool. and there is something to be said about seeing new landscapes with your own ocular organs.

and sure, i may see the emerald valley of the locus of all things warm and comfortable and…belonging. which is, of course, not entirely true. this is made clear nearly every time i’m there.

but travel is still not quite so great in practice because you’re always having to say good-bye.

and there is nothing

(seriously. nothing)

worse than good-bye.

some day, i can only hope that i am lucky enough to have my family, my friends, and my career in the same state, at the least.

xoxo me.

all dead white boys say “god is good.”

things are okay. i think i just have to keep saying that over and over again.

this too shall pass.

this too shall pass.

i swear, this will pass.

this has got to pass.

at least i finished my midterms. 2 silly papers and a few ridiculous essay exams. it’s a good thing my major is so retardedly easy.

tomorrow is motherfucking valentines day.

and i’m going to spend it with my two unconditional loves-

indiana and interstate 5.

maybe i will purchase an entire cake for the drive, and listen to better than ezra, and maybe get a strawberry air freshener and pretend i’m rolling in that white low-rider honda civic and lying about it.

and maybe i will throw chocolate kisses and swear words at passers-by, to express my rage at the idea that there needs to be ONE day where you tell people you love them. like the other 364 (actually, 365 this year) days  don’t count?

that you shouldn’t buy candy and paste collage cards for the lights of you life any other day?

please.

i’ll spend it on the road home, thankyouverymuch.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

i know my actions say no, but it’s because keeping my own self breathing and moving and living is pretty much all i can do. and running away is always something i was only kind of good at.

now leave me the hell alone and let me leave town.

even if last night i felt like a part of something nice when i was surrounded by delightful faces and heavy smoke.

and sitting on a porch with lights at the bottom of the hill, i thought “yeah, maybe something really does happen between  birth and death.”

but maybe not.

alright. this is more than an “update.”

this is a mess of emo confessional verbal drool and i shall put a stop to it now!

<3

going south like the geese.

sometimes i think about going somewhere sunny and camping and becoming a hobo.

and playing my guitar pretending to be kimya dawson, with my dog and a sarape.

and it would be awesome.

maybe this summer i will grow a pair and drive across the country and write my greatest work.

probably i won’t though. because i get homesick really easily.

and gas doesn’t cost 18 cents a gallon anymore.

and cigarettes are like, $6 a pack.

shit. it’s expensive to be a beat in these tough times.

i miss emma. (hi, emma. i have some music cds for you.)

but you know what’s awesome?
the most serene republic. also, tender forever.
um and kimya dawson, duh
and pretty much all of K records.

also, i think i may be a ghost.
like, sometimes  i really wonder if i’m an actual person.

now is one of those times.

nothing that anyone is telling me is helping.
and no one is saying what i am trying to get they to say.

i don’t really know what i’m expecting to hear.
xoxo hanna

just pretend i didn’t tear your world apart.

i like kimya dawson very much.
if i had a beautiful voice, i could make music like she does.

but instead, i will just sing along.

and think it’s me.

and maybe play the songs on the radio.

and post the lyrics to my journal.

like this:

and where will I go where I can feel safe
when my family sells its place
and we all split up and move away?
I’m trying to be brave ’cause when I’m brave
other people feel brave
but I feel like my heart is caving in

i want to go play the guitar.

and drink tea.

and go home.

i miss lamplight and curly hair and pot-smelling apartments and dreadlocks and couches where couches don’t belong.

the puget sound can go straight to hell. it’s no willamette river and it never will be, no matter how crunchy these seattle kids think they are. fuck.

xoxo hanna

p.s. day 4 of liquid diet is going well. i decided next week will be “only raw fruit + veggies + any liquids i want”

ha.

She asks you is it good or bad, it’s such an icy feeling.

happy second christmas eve!

if you don’t know, second christmas is a holiday borne from a dream, celebrated on the 25 of January. So tonight is Second Christmas Eve. Which means everyone is very festive. And in our case, we played poker. It was great.

we are watching the royal tenenbaums.

it is making me miss someone very unusual.
the same person i miss when i hear lou reed.

chiefy, that song called “stephanie says.”

it’s mildly strange.

and extremely overwhelming.

i can’t wait to go back to oregon.
and to see the people in my heart.

but bellingham is plenty full of heart, too.

love,

hanna

p.s. goodbye ruby tuesday.

goodbye, yellow brick road…

i had a very bizarre dream that my parents were moving out of our old house, and all the furniture was on the lawn….but they had nowhere to go. in that same night of sleep, i also dreamed that i was kidnapped and taken to the rainforest, and that i was hanging out with melissa and paige and tara at tara’s old house. so, there’s a peek at my subconscious. all signs point to that i feel hijacked in washington and miss the security of eugene/ my teenage years. don’t really need to be a psychic to see that one, although i’m sure my mother (www.lunarmom.wordpress.com) could read further into it.

in other news, dropped off a few more resumes today. i think there must be something like, innately abrasive about the first impression i give because NO ONE HAS HIRED ME. wickety-whack.

also, elton john is great.

also, so is having a little dog in your lap.

also, today zach and i went to costco. and i was once again reminded that bellingham is a town of living dead.

long weekend- that is the nice thing about unemployment! also, we’re going to baker tomorrow!

hurray for the warrens! so stoked. haven’t gone snowboarding since last year and i’m very excited.

even if it is going to be colder than satan’s testes up there.

over + out

xoxo hanna

p.s. i am subbing a show on tuesday from noon to 2 (www.kugs.org), so tune in and here me spin the illest new beats, yo. or something.

you heard it here first…

…yup. i made the president’s list. IN COLLEGE.

so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

in other news, radio was sub-par today. technically, not a great show. and there was no new music. BOO.

also, my job interview tonight got cancelled. the lady called me while i was working out and left me a message, telling me she’d already made her decision. i think that this is a bitch move. so, maybe better that i don’t work for that wench.

can you tell that the job market is a little tough?

i’m a damn good barista. fucking hire me.

but then zach came to get me with indi and it was all better.

because those two boys are the brightest stars in the universe.

thinking of coming home for president’s day weekend…i have like, potentially 5 days off.

i’ve been having weird eug-related dreams and need to go touch base, methinks.

p.s. president’s list. HOORAH.

xoxo hanna

i am exhausted

 I am exhausted -
Pillar of white in a blackout of knives.
I am the magician’s girl who does not flinch.
The villagers are untying their disguises, they are shaking hands.
Whose is that long white box in the grove, what have they accomplished,
why am I cold.

oh, sylvia. the way you say the things you do. you kill me.

tonight zach and i went to our first adult dinner party.

we were fairly entertaining. it was very strange. i was the youngest in the room. we were at a professor’s house!

and then, the craziest thing happened…

HUDSON HONGO CALLED ME.

wow. the john belushi of my life. always a soft spot in my heart. always.

spent more time in the listening lounge today. it made me so, so joyful.

now both of the boys are asleep in my lap. oh, friday night.

like riding out a sinking ship as it lowers into the baaaaay….

here i am again. there is nothing at all romantic about leaving and coming and going and college- it’s just sad.

my friends mean more to me than anything i could ever hope for. two amazing, compassionate girls, a handful of beautiful, comforting, loving boys, and too many precious spaces to count or really even get to know.

it’s hard leaving home.

and then there is the family you are born to- the ones whose little pieces you are made up of. they are literally part of you, and you want to badly to rememeber that that you ink it onto your skin and you etch it into your life until your eyes are sunken back so far they might never see the light of day.

breathe. reboot.

yes it’s hard to leave the valley.

but i made contact. and that was what was important. and now i’m back reestablishing what there was before my hiatus.

zachary said he’d missed me- but i never thought he’d demonstrate it to the degree he has been. it’s like an entirely different person. actually, it’s more like Zachary 2.0. he’s been really incredible. and while i love it and appreciate him immensely, i really kind of need a tiny bit of breathing room to get back into my niche in the north. but i do love him. and i am extremely impressed.

there is a lot going on. i’m all at sea, and there’s a storm on the horizon.

but now it’s getting late.

and as i lay me down to sleep…..

please bless everyone i love in every city they live in.

xoxo hanna