two little girls.

life looks a lot like this lately.

that’s kyler and i on halloween.

she was audry,i was belle. yes, that’s pikachu behind us.

and we’re at a bar.

we drank wine and played with the dog before we went out…
so those are the good parts.

little bird, have you heard, freedom lies, freedom lies.

plus: this is post 100.

minus: living alone is alone-some.

plus: triple-digit cash money in my pocket every night.

minus: exhaustion.

plus: lovely weather, lovely city.

minus: no one to go play in it with.

plus: a lot of familiar niceties in the workplace on the daily.

minus: social anxiety keeps it at that.

plus: beautiful sunshine dog here.

minus: beautiful sunshine boy there.

plus: the end of school is in sight.

minus: i won’t, i feel, have anyone in town to celebrate with when it comes.

my self-imposed status as a hermit is catching up to me, as i come to mildly dread nights off, because they mean nights i will spend at home, alone, with no one to call except someone who can’t come.

i am homesick for something that no longer exists, as it now resides in too many cities.

BOO, EMO KID.

xoxo me.

yours is the only version of my desertion that I could ever subscribe to

here are a few great things:

-indiana.

-interpol.

-wheat thins. (esp. when you can stand in front of your refrigerator with a box of wheat thins tucked under your arm and systematically go through the condiments and other assorted fridge fare and dip them in anything you notice.)

-family.

-specifically, my family. more specifically, my hero/grandfather. what a fucking man. DAMN. he is, i believe, mostly responsible for any awesomeness that i bear. or any of us, really. him and my own father. Mom, we got real lucky for a family full of hard-luck white-trash/ immigrants and others searching for political/religious/linguistic asylum.

-public radio.

-making friends.

-having a job that makes me not really care if it’s a work day or not, because i know it will be funny either way.

-bourbon.

-beer.

xoxox

all ya can do is do what you must, yeah, you do what you must and you do it well.

i must:

continue to know that exactly who i am is who i am supposed to be. and that’s good enough.

continue to not settle for the lesser, lazier, more selfish parts, and aspire to do right by those around me.

continue to take care of those around me.

remain invested in this quarter until it’s actually over.

work, no matter how much i hate it.

save money, no matter how much i hate it.

participate in the system, no matter how much i hate it.

speak honestly and demand the same of others.

do what i’m good at.

continue to attempt to quell my outrageous jealous streak.

and admit that there are some things that will never, never, never be me.

and maybe i wouldn’t want them to be me, anyway.

__________________________________________

i never thought i’d look to something i’d heard from pat avery, but….

above all, i have to continue to live truthfully within the given circumstances.

<3 see you all on sunday.

now sweet sixteen’s gone twenty-one

it’s true! i aged!

i did not:

-vomit.
-make a total fool of myself.
-”black out” (whatever that actually means.)
-have to sift through any drama.

i did:

-spend it with most of the people in this little city that i wanted to.
-give pizza to a homeless man.
-eat a really big cookie.
-see a wide array of establishments and humans.
-see a surprising number of people i knew. which was fun.
-get stood up, a little, but fuck them anyway.

i also only drank beer all night.

lots of it.

several kinds.

and several mac + jack’s.

so, not bad.

thanks friends, for caring. you’re pretty fucking good ones.

and for the ones that i didn’t get to raise one with, well…

i intend to know you all for a proper long time.

so no worries, there.

and today it’s sunny.

so imma get on my bike.

something’s lost, yeah, but something’s gained.

my life is ridiculous.

i feel like those glossy boards we had with pictures on them, and you could lick all the hideous little plasticy-rubber cut-outs of people and furniture and two-liters and accessories.

like there’s a little one of a little girl on a bike, or dressed all in black in an apron with a pen in her hair, or with a backpack on with a pair of beat-to-shit trainers clipped to the back. and you just pick the background (downtown, restaurant, campus) and stick me on and then there i am. and you call it living and you call me a person and it’s just like reality except it’s completely static, just waiting for the spit to dry so you can be released.

ha. i just likened my college degree to spit.

but it’s not so bad.

and in twenty-four hours, there will be no more backgrounds i can’t be stuck to.

but i do really, really wish i could spend my birthday like we spent melissa’s.

and i really wish i could wake up on saturday like we did on january first.

because that was a pretty great time.

unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.

i’ve been meaning to say something, but meaning has been something i’ve been struggling with.

i’m unsure where it stems from, and i’m completely in the dark about where it goes from there.

and just when i think something means something, or doesn’t mean anything,

the light turns off and there i am, bumping into the nightstand trying to find it.

some days, they last longer than others.

baaaaaaaaaaaaah.

i’m inside-out. all yucky and red and ugly.

like, hey world. here are my innards.

like that exploded bird zach and i walked past in the woods.

ew. i have never felt so filthy as i did after seeing it’s little guts all strewn about and bloated.

sick.

mmmmm i don’t feel well.

on the upside, today in the computer lab, i ran into my friend aline! i haven’t seen her since she left for equador last summer. she is a very amazing and beautiful and intelligent woman. just thought i’d share that.

because for all my bitching, it’s not really that bad.

she let her head fall back, thinking she heard the music of angelic harps

alright, this is it.

it has recently become clear to me that something i’ve taken pride in my whole life is simply not an artform i actually excel at. and no matter how many times i try to make it so, and once i’ve made it, attempt to convince others of it’s worth, i am always dismayed by the negative reaction.

blogs are pretty much stigmatized these days, for obvious reasons. simply having a wireless router in your shitty apartment does not necessarily give you the right or the talent to publish your thoughts in a public space (or lack of space, whichever you consider the internet to be.) and at times, i feel really silly for still using one, publically, no less. i take great comfort in knowing that very, very few people actually read it.

but i do it because it is as close to publishing as i will ever get. and the only readers are people who know me, and give my words merit on that basis. and i think i can really get myself to accept that this is alright. it’s not what i wanted, and it doesn’t make me feel good, but it’s ok.

i think.

in a way, those things are more realer than any of us.

a few quick notes about a few little things:

• there are a lot of silly people. but there are also a lot of rays of sunlight that break through and beam down and make my face feel warm.

• visual art is healthy on  many fronts.

• no one, i don’t think, is ever truly “sane” or “normal”- and anyone who says they are is lying.

• my dog is a very warm and beautiful and salty-smelling little squirt.

• my car is a tank.

• my body is a conduit.

• and i’m a conjunction.

xoxo me.

p.s. mom- yeah, you’re right. this blog is way fancy now. i kind of like it.