hey, that’s no way to say goodbye

imma miss this radio studio a lot.

a whole lot.

<3 thanks, KUGS, for being the only place i ever felt at home on campus. even when i lived here.

so the scenery is healthy where her eyes lay

on campus, covering the public affairs program at radio.

finally a night off work. going to the honeymoon with adam later, which i’m quite cheered about.

i feel very strange about every material particle of this campus now.

it’s not mine anymore. and i think i’m ok with that.

i graduated with a 3.6 GPA! hurray!

the bay is quite lovely today.
i will miss that.

all ya can do is do what you must, yeah, you do what you must and you do it well.

i must:

continue to know that exactly who i am is who i am supposed to be. and that’s good enough.

continue to not settle for the lesser, lazier, more selfish parts, and aspire to do right by those around me.

continue to take care of those around me.

remain invested in this quarter until it’s actually over.

work, no matter how much i hate it.

save money, no matter how much i hate it.

participate in the system, no matter how much i hate it.

speak honestly and demand the same of others.

do what i’m good at.

continue to attempt to quell my outrageous jealous streak.

and admit that there are some things that will never, never, never be me.

and maybe i wouldn’t want them to be me, anyway.

__________________________________________

i never thought i’d look to something i’d heard from pat avery, but….

above all, i have to continue to live truthfully within the given circumstances.

<3 see you all on sunday.

the curfew had been lifted and the gamblin’ wheel shut down

here are a few things that i know to be as true as anything has ever been:

1.) Bob Dylan is the greatest artist of all time. I base this on several rock-star factors. One, he was/kind of still is an incredibly sexy man. Two, he is a poet. And better than most actual poets, at that. Three, he has a beautiful voice. In an interesting kind of way.

2.) I’m very excited to see my brother!!! I might even have time to spend with him! And he gets to come to the KUGS, and we’re going to go eat sweet potato fries and drink mac+jack with zach (ha, that rhymed) at the ’shoe, and take my dog to the park, and lol and lol and lol. And yes, I’m also coming to Eugene, though it might be a one-night engagement. So we’ll see how that all goes.
3.) Barak Obama = thumbsup. anyone who says otherwise has no compassion and no conscious or is completely ignorant to the desperate situation this country/world is really in. and also doesn’t give two shits about their children, or grandchildren, or potential children or grand children. because even if you’re going to kick it in ten years, you made those kids come into the world, so you’d better fucking leave it in decent shape for them.

4.) i love to paint.

5.) i love KUGS.

and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time.

let’s get a few thing straight…

1.) melissa accurately described “crunchy.” It is a term of endearment. Nicer than “neo-hippie” or worse, “trustafarian.” if you wear birkenstocks with socks and a stylish raincoat, or eat Nancy’s yogurt most of the time, you’re probably pretty crunchy.

2.) spring break is the last week of march. the week before that is “finals” but, as i am an english major, i have no real finals. just essays and “projects.” So all i’ll be doing those last two weeks in march is working, playing with indiana and trying to beat the series cup in Mario Strikers with Zach and Lindsay. And probably bumming with Katy and Ellis and Keith. I have a fold-out couch *hint hint* and live in a pretty cute town *hint hint*.

3.) School is kind of a joke sometimes, but I’m also deeply in love with being a student. Today in post-modernism (joke) we talked about fetishes for an hour and a half (double joke.)however, in my semantics/discourse/lexography class (awesome), we discussed ideolects and dialects (super-awesome.)

I’ve developed a very big soft spot for grammar. I’m so enthused for my structure of english class next quarter. Diagramming sentences = loads of fun.

Is that gross?

In my time-warp class, we discussed the narcissim that is inherent to blogging. this is true. i choose to ignore this an continue to pump my “ideas” into the interweb. it’s just easier.

here are my top 5 bands this week:

1.) Thief

2.) The Helio Sequence

3.) Vampire Weekend

4.) Throw me the Statue

5.) Barton Carroll

today i have to assemble a package to send across the country.

i like the idea of it being transported hand-over-hand and eventually to the air and then finally to a cute little single belonging to a cute little girl.

xoxo hanna

sun is below and above.

it is very warm in the window bubble above the street.

oh, radio haven. what would i do without you?

there is more amazing music in the world than any of us can ever appreciate.

it’s kind of an amazing thing, if you think about it.

also: cat’s cradle is a sacred artform and if they don’t get it, add it to the list of reasons why the pacific ocean is synonomous with “everything good.”

and we all sang hallelujah.

now, i work in a fancy restaurant in a fancy hotel on the bay.

it has very large windows, and the view is hard not to be distracted by.

i dress all in black and smile a lot and do my best to strut with an armload of plates covered with bits of Blackened Market Fresh Chilean Sea Bass and Beef Bouillabes with scallops.

the restaurant is owned by a hulking man with a mysterious Eastern European accent.

people drink bottles of wine that are older than me, and worth more, too.

that’s pretty much my life these days.

and KUGS. KUGS remains the coolest part about me.

music is in my head all the time.

it’s kind of nice.

xoxo me

take these sunken eyes and learn to see.

i’m crawling out of my skin.

i hate staying in my house this long.

i really need to be out and moving and vibrating.

this is driving me crazy.

there is music by the bay.

the city is out there, moving and vibrating.

and i’m on a folded out couch.

watching southpark.

with the dog.

and some cream of wheat.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

oh.

i got a job at a fancy hotel resaurant.

naturally, this means i have to take myself shopping tomorrow.

hurray.

…..i think they call this “mania”

just pretend i didn’t tear your world apart.

i like kimya dawson very much.
if i had a beautiful voice, i could make music like she does.

but instead, i will just sing along.

and think it’s me.

and maybe play the songs on the radio.

and post the lyrics to my journal.

like this:

and where will I go where I can feel safe
when my family sells its place
and we all split up and move away?
I’m trying to be brave ’cause when I’m brave
other people feel brave
but I feel like my heart is caving in

i want to go play the guitar.

and drink tea.

and go home.

i miss lamplight and curly hair and pot-smelling apartments and dreadlocks and couches where couches don’t belong.

the puget sound can go straight to hell. it’s no willamette river and it never will be, no matter how crunchy these seattle kids think they are. fuck.

xoxo hanna

p.s. day 4 of liquid diet is going well. i decided next week will be “only raw fruit + veggies + any liquids i want”

ha.

neck deep in contradiction in the gut of the beast

i am excited for-

-the blue scholars on saturday. i am fully prepared to hand over my senses and become immersed in epic words.
- Lonely, Dear. Their album is really lovely and I finally got it onto my computer.
-music in general.
-also, Post Harbor. Like Muse, but also like Explosions in the Skyl, but also like….early 90’s Kurt and Chris? Mostly, just beautiful.
-the greenness of everything.
-the greenness of me.
-the shrinking moon.
-my little indiana.

i’ve been writing like the price of ink is on the rise. it’s really been theraputic.
it’s keeping me out of a plunge. which i feel is immintent, but I keep rocking back on my heels, keeping my center of balance just low enough not to spill over into the sea.

everything is moderately mysterious theses days. and although everything is recycled, and nothing is truthfully new or different or novel, it all feels like the first.

the first full moon. the first deep frost. the first frozen puddle. the first crisp night. the first song. the first word.

people are dropping off from all around. i wonder what it means for anything to be permenent.
or meaningful, for that matter.

in my 16th century lit class, we were discussing Sir Wyatt the Elder, and his poetry, and how he continuously decided that he had wasted his time in the pursuit of love, that he had nothing to show for it, that he had squandered his youth.

but when you get down to it- what does it mean to waste? if something was learned, or a piece of art was borne or even an idea was formed, then wasn’t it purposeful, or at least meaningful? and really, what does it mean for something to “work out” if the end result is the big sleep anyway. I mean, how is there such a thing as a “fairy tale ending” when we all know that “happily ever after” is the same as “until they both died.”

the fact is this- our minutes of breath, of youth and of energy in motion in general are finite. and as long as you are interacting, loving, excersizing your ability to emote and feel and sense and touch and experience, then what does it mean for anything to be for naught?

alright, the point of it all is this- there is no such thing as a waste of time, as long as in the end you are a more evolved person. because everyone arrives at the same conclusion- it’s just who enjoys the trip there more.

so fucking love someone. alright?

and furthermore-

nothing in the world can be promised to any degree of certaintly except for that check, written out from fate, to be cashed when your time is up. you’re going to die and that’s all there is to be sure about.

so no, i can’t promise anything “forever.” i can’t even promise anything for tomorrow.
i can only say, right now, that i love you. whatever that means at the exact moment that you hear it, or read it, or even remember that i said it.

so i guess i made meaning. but it may only be meaningful right now, in this context.

but that’s another discussion entirely.