but february made me shiver….

working working working.
cocktailing/bartending/serving = all the same.

they all take time and make me money.

filled out my exit paperwork for school.

graduating soon.

holy god.

holy, holy, holy diploma. i can’t believe it.

also, can’t believe how much i let this get out of hand.

things in this life change very slowly, if they ever change at all.

but nathan said it best- “yeah, yeah, ok, whatever. so we’re all, like,  leeches and we all enable each other and we all suck each other dry, but like…what the fuck? why can’t we just fucking stop being so bad for each other when like, we care about each other, and like….change the world?”

or that pretty, pretty boy at work: “…when you’re just trying to do something beautiful, but like…it means you have to change a little….do you want to change the world with me?”

and she’ll say “oh, yeah, well, i feel pretty happy, too.”

i ran out of chemicals to keep my mood in check.
it is now, i suppose, “destabilized.”

but it’s great.

the return to humanity from the mechanization of my own body was worth any difficult, sweating, jaw clenched-and-locked re-entry.

things make me deeply happy again, instead of just “less ambivalent.”

i find my face uncomfortable from unbridled smiling, especially when i’m face-to-face with certain others.

i find myself forced to relate this to the person/people whom i am face-to-face with.

fingerpicked guitars, barren tree branches, blond hair and crystalline lawns are all more stunning, more worthwhile, and cause for stopping and listening or touching.

i’m twelve again, journaling and pondering and thinking everything is so much deeper and realer than anyone else could ever even notice.

even indiana is more precious and alive and soft and the savior than ever.
you are now free to move about the cabin.

don’t, don’t break the spell. it would be different and you know it will.

i like being liberated from keeping conventional hours.

time isn’t so much linear these days, as much as a commodity.

that is, when i can snatch it and take it to bed with me, i will.

and i can count it, until it makes change- start work, get off work, things close, things open.

and i can buy a little more, or spend a little more, depending on what my needs are.

and i can manipulate it to fit said needs.

and for once it feels like the supply is equal to the demand.

it helps that in bellingham in the summer, it is mostly light out from about 4:30 AM to 10:30 PM.

the only issue with this is that most people still do their business in the day, and their sleeping in the night.

_______________________________________________

additionally, i found a large-ish casio keyboard on the side of the road.

it’s amazing.

hopefully by august i’m a musical genius. though mostly i think i’ll be making crappy beats to go with my crappy lyrics. ya hear me?

in a way, those things are more realer than any of us.

a few quick notes about a few little things:

• there are a lot of silly people. but there are also a lot of rays of sunlight that break through and beam down and make my face feel warm.

• visual art is healthy on  many fronts.

• no one, i don’t think, is ever truly “sane” or “normal”- and anyone who says they are is lying.

• my dog is a very warm and beautiful and salty-smelling little squirt.

• my car is a tank.

• my body is a conduit.

• and i’m a conjunction.

xoxo me.

p.s. mom- yeah, you’re right. this blog is way fancy now. i kind of like it.

i’ve come to wrap you up tight, ’til it’s time to break down.

from the pages of my paper journal

here is a list of things i don’t believe in:

binaries, the sole use of phonetics in teaching children, monotheism, monogamy, capitalism, the war on drugs, area 51, tax “relief”, alphabetical grades, busywork, bureacratics, war, the difficulty of citizenship exams, the concept of an “illegal” human being,  religion for the purposes of anything other than comfort, hell, heaven, the idea that “everyone has a purpose”, art within confines, lobbyists, middle-men in general, the punitive nature of the justice system and the resulting expectations of american citizens, pure communism, any kind of anarchy,  true selflessness, wastefulness, the criminalization of marijuana, the reduction of humans to dollar amounts, concrete thinking, true loves, best friends, great tragedies, prescriptive grammar, unlivable wages, doctors, western medicine in general, conservatism, the FCC, the DEA, the FDA, fur as fashion, the living conditions of livestock, a single truth, an honest retelling of a story, a non-biased history, the two-party system, the distribution of wealth, most mass-produced major label music, the unbearably unaffordable cost of higher education, required courses, the DCMA, the knowing production of unhealthy foods,  the nomenclature used to describe depression (mental disease) and mania (personality disorder),  the DSM,  privatized medicine,  “free trade” and the movement of espresso as an accessory and not an art form.

so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

in other news…

you want my hands, heart and crown?

well, i’m an irish girl, so you damned well better believe i’ll deliver.

and if it’s not enough,

then maybe i’m not the problem.

the curfew had been lifted and the gamblin’ wheel shut down

here are a few things that i know to be as true as anything has ever been:

1.) Bob Dylan is the greatest artist of all time. I base this on several rock-star factors. One, he was/kind of still is an incredibly sexy man. Two, he is a poet. And better than most actual poets, at that. Three, he has a beautiful voice. In an interesting kind of way.

2.) I’m very excited to see my brother!!! I might even have time to spend with him! And he gets to come to the KUGS, and we’re going to go eat sweet potato fries and drink mac+jack with zach (ha, that rhymed) at the ’shoe, and take my dog to the park, and lol and lol and lol. And yes, I’m also coming to Eugene, though it might be a one-night engagement. So we’ll see how that all goes.
3.) Barak Obama = thumbsup. anyone who says otherwise has no compassion and no conscious or is completely ignorant to the desperate situation this country/world is really in. and also doesn’t give two shits about their children, or grandchildren, or potential children or grand children. because even if you’re going to kick it in ten years, you made those kids come into the world, so you’d better fucking leave it in decent shape for them.

4.) i love to paint.

5.) i love KUGS.

they watched the hazy sun sinking in the sea.

tonight i really wanted to feel close to my dad.

i guess i just wanted to remeber how it felt to dance in the living room after pre-school until we were both worn out and giddy.

so i put on the eagles.

it just made me cry.

well, pretty much everything makes me cry these days.

how is that people tell you that it “gets better”, when all that happens is more people you know get sick, fall into debt,  lose their minds or die?

i think it’s like what they say about childbirth, only it happens every night when you go to bed-
you forget that it hurts, so you do it again. and again. and you just keep waking up, because

a.) what else are you going to do?

and 2.) you’ve blanked out the hurt.

the problem is, this isn’t trivial shit. this isn’t roommate drama, or boyfriend troubles, or even the fact that i’m up to my ass in ever-growing loans-

this is the biggest question people have been asking since it firt occurred to someone that there is more to the grand sceme than a human lifetime.

so to answer your question, dr. lester-
the reason people keep reading shakespeare is because everyone wants to know the answer to what it is that is the question.

in other news, i don’t have a schedule for work beyond next friday, so i really can’t give specific dates on my free time/ lack there-of.

but i’m flexible. and i work at a restaurant/bar. so, you know….never a dull moment.

xoxo hanna

and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time.

let’s get a few thing straight…

1.) melissa accurately described “crunchy.” It is a term of endearment. Nicer than “neo-hippie” or worse, “trustafarian.” if you wear birkenstocks with socks and a stylish raincoat, or eat Nancy’s yogurt most of the time, you’re probably pretty crunchy.

2.) spring break is the last week of march. the week before that is “finals” but, as i am an english major, i have no real finals. just essays and “projects.” So all i’ll be doing those last two weeks in march is working, playing with indiana and trying to beat the series cup in Mario Strikers with Zach and Lindsay. And probably bumming with Katy and Ellis and Keith. I have a fold-out couch *hint hint* and live in a pretty cute town *hint hint*.

3.) School is kind of a joke sometimes, but I’m also deeply in love with being a student. Today in post-modernism (joke) we talked about fetishes for an hour and a half (double joke.)however, in my semantics/discourse/lexography class (awesome), we discussed ideolects and dialects (super-awesome.)

I’ve developed a very big soft spot for grammar. I’m so enthused for my structure of english class next quarter. Diagramming sentences = loads of fun.

Is that gross?

In my time-warp class, we discussed the narcissim that is inherent to blogging. this is true. i choose to ignore this an continue to pump my “ideas” into the interweb. it’s just easier.

here are my top 5 bands this week:

1.) Thief

2.) The Helio Sequence

3.) Vampire Weekend

4.) Throw me the Statue

5.) Barton Carroll

today i have to assemble a package to send across the country.

i like the idea of it being transported hand-over-hand and eventually to the air and then finally to a cute little single belonging to a cute little girl.

xoxo hanna

sun is below and above.

it is very warm in the window bubble above the street.

oh, radio haven. what would i do without you?

there is more amazing music in the world than any of us can ever appreciate.

it’s kind of an amazing thing, if you think about it.

also: cat’s cradle is a sacred artform and if they don’t get it, add it to the list of reasons why the pacific ocean is synonomous with “everything good.”

and we all sang hallelujah.

now, i work in a fancy restaurant in a fancy hotel on the bay.

it has very large windows, and the view is hard not to be distracted by.

i dress all in black and smile a lot and do my best to strut with an armload of plates covered with bits of Blackened Market Fresh Chilean Sea Bass and Beef Bouillabes with scallops.

the restaurant is owned by a hulking man with a mysterious Eastern European accent.

people drink bottles of wine that are older than me, and worth more, too.

that’s pretty much my life these days.

and KUGS. KUGS remains the coolest part about me.

music is in my head all the time.

it’s kind of nice.

xoxo me