something’s lost, yeah, but something’s gained.

my life is ridiculous.

i feel like those glossy boards we had with pictures on them, and you could lick all the hideous little plasticy-rubber cut-outs of people and furniture and two-liters and accessories.

like there’s a little one of a little girl on a bike, or dressed all in black in an apron with a pen in her hair, or with a backpack on with a pair of beat-to-shit trainers clipped to the back. and you just pick the background (downtown, restaurant, campus) and stick me on and then there i am. and you call it living and you call me a person and it’s just like reality except it’s completely static, just waiting for the spit to dry so you can be released.

ha. i just likened my college degree to spit.

but it’s not so bad.

and in twenty-four hours, there will be no more backgrounds i can’t be stuck to.

but i do really, really wish i could spend my birthday like we spent melissa’s.

and i really wish i could wake up on saturday like we did on january first.

because that was a pretty great time.

all dead white boys say “god is good.”

things are okay. i think i just have to keep saying that over and over again.

this too shall pass.

this too shall pass.

i swear, this will pass.

this has got to pass.

at least i finished my midterms. 2 silly papers and a few ridiculous essay exams. it’s a good thing my major is so retardedly easy.

tomorrow is motherfucking valentines day.

and i’m going to spend it with my two unconditional loves-

indiana and interstate 5.

maybe i will purchase an entire cake for the drive, and listen to better than ezra, and maybe get a strawberry air freshener and pretend i’m rolling in that white low-rider honda civic and lying about it.

and maybe i will throw chocolate kisses and swear words at passers-by, to express my rage at the idea that there needs to be ONE day where you tell people you love them. like the other 364 (actually, 365 this year) days  don’t count?

that you shouldn’t buy candy and paste collage cards for the lights of you life any other day?

please.

i’ll spend it on the road home, thankyouverymuch.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

i know my actions say no, but it’s because keeping my own self breathing and moving and living is pretty much all i can do. and running away is always something i was only kind of good at.

now leave me the hell alone and let me leave town.

even if last night i felt like a part of something nice when i was surrounded by delightful faces and heavy smoke.

and sitting on a porch with lights at the bottom of the hill, i thought “yeah, maybe something really does happen between  birth and death.”

but maybe not.

alright. this is more than an “update.”

this is a mess of emo confessional verbal drool and i shall put a stop to it now!

<3

goodbye, yellow brick road…

i had a very bizarre dream that my parents were moving out of our old house, and all the furniture was on the lawn….but they had nowhere to go. in that same night of sleep, i also dreamed that i was kidnapped and taken to the rainforest, and that i was hanging out with melissa and paige and tara at tara’s old house. so, there’s a peek at my subconscious. all signs point to that i feel hijacked in washington and miss the security of eugene/ my teenage years. don’t really need to be a psychic to see that one, although i’m sure my mother (www.lunarmom.wordpress.com) could read further into it.

in other news, dropped off a few more resumes today. i think there must be something like, innately abrasive about the first impression i give because NO ONE HAS HIRED ME. wickety-whack.

also, elton john is great.

also, so is having a little dog in your lap.

also, today zach and i went to costco. and i was once again reminded that bellingham is a town of living dead.

long weekend- that is the nice thing about unemployment! also, we’re going to baker tomorrow!

hurray for the warrens! so stoked. haven’t gone snowboarding since last year and i’m very excited.

even if it is going to be colder than satan’s testes up there.

over + out

xoxo hanna

p.s. i am subbing a show on tuesday from noon to 2 (www.kugs.org), so tune in and here me spin the illest new beats, yo. or something.

ouch!

every now and then, life just bitchslaps you.  and it’s not always in a mean way, perse, but more in a way to jolt you awake and say hey! remember who you are!

learn your place, little girl.

but then sometimes it gives you a big hug. or a massage from a sketchy dude you don’t know.  which is strange?

i had a lovely time last night, mostly. so glad that paige came. we had a very delightful series of conversations and several breakthroughs. about summitting mt. everest and other equally important issues.

i miss zachary. i wish he could be comfortable here.

but now i’m taking the boy (dogs) to the park, before the sun runs away behind those looming december clouds.

p.s. have you checked my mom’s journal yet?