they know not if it’s dark outside or light.

here are few points of clarification:

1.) my laptop is dead.

2.) i won’t be in the eug until the middle of june at the earliest.

3.) my heart is broken.

4.) my manager is the anti-christ.

5.) going out to brunch on a day when you “don’t feel like doing the dishes” simply passes off the duty to someone who feels like doing them even less, preferably with their own mother.

6.) mother’s day is actually a pretty terrible holiday. i know everyone had a mother at one point, but not everyone does at this present moment. and even if they do, somewhere, maybe an entire day spent thinking about her when she’s a grillion miles away isn’t the universally cheery notion that the upwardly wealthy think it is.

7.) today i saw a gaggle of pants-suit wearing women with cotton-candy hair holding spidery-veined hands saying grace over their reconstituted $22 eggs, and then immediately power through three bottles of champagne. at ten-thirty in the morning.

8.) remember my sadistic manager? even she asked me if i was ok today.

9.) no, i wasn’t.

10.) i want to go home.

 

 

so instead, i’m watching almost famous over and over again.

and spending a lot of time at the beach.

stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

my irises are expanding.

yesterday i went to the sea. there is something quite powerful in the wind and the water and the motion of it all.

i’m very, very wary about nearly everything.

i think everyone feels this way, maybe most of the time.

and it’s not a cross-roads. it’s a few mileposts away, and you know the stopsign is coming up. and you’re going to have to pick a direction. and the closer you get, the more you confuse yourself.

i just want to figure out what i will regret most.

and not do that.

ever my favorite escape plan, selling bananas under a serape has a lead-up. and a let-down. and nothing is just a moment where everything is beautiful and nothing ever hurts.

that’s just not how it is. maybe in literature, but not in life.

xoxo hanna

or even map the ocean.

blahblah i’m a basket case.

with an exploded eye.

it’s the fates slapping me and saying “hey! don’t get so cocky!”

so i won’t.

my brother is coming to see me! i’m excited, for both of us. for poor kids like we were, getting out of town is an adventure and and of itself. this is something i’ve been explaining to zachary. apparently, when you actually have GONE on vacations, just skipping town on a train isn’t quite the same.

emma called today and was so concerned. my siblings are the best people on earth, i think.
apparently, our genetics were really great (thanks marmalade and daddy-pie)

i wish J.D.  had his passport, though, so we could cross the boarder. or that the boarder wasn’t on lockdown in the biggest diversion of all time.
what the hell, by the way? the longest undefended boarder is not really our greatest concern these days.

on that note, i feel like the government is standing in iraq, or at the boarders, or in the whitehouse, waving their arms to get all of our attention away from real issues- like the genocide we know is happening, the epidemics we aren’t aiding with, and even the depleted national guard, rendered useless when our own soil is flooding like a backed-up toilet. maybe once theMcMansions start floating down the street, assaulting civilians in the name of “freedom” won’t be such a pressing issue.

so really. let my brother and i go out of the country.

c’mon election…..

in other news, today we took the dog down to the beach to wash off our spirits.

it worked, of course. fridgid, bayside, with hoods on and shells in pockets, slipping on kelp and smelling salt and detritus.

i love this town these days.

xoxo hanna

p.s. eug-bound this weekend. already have a few dates planned. pretty fucking stoked.

Noble characters and pure affections and happy scenes are very comforting things. They’re a refuge from life’s disillusionments.

what is this with the people dying? how did i live an entire life relatively removed from mortality, and now it’s flooding towards me.

the tide is coming in, but i’m not done trying to find creatures in the pools.

but maybe that will help with the sandcastles i want to build all around me.

and everyone knows that a pail full of dry sand doesn’t make a tower for a princess.

what am i even talking about?

the point is this:

i want love to be the focus of every interaction. i want everyone to look into everyone else’s eyes and see exactly how amazing every single person is. i want love to pour out of every cashier, pump jock, douchey business man and lying politician, because the more energy you can transfer to someone else, the more room you have to receive more.

it’s like incense- fan it a little, and the light gets bigger, and everything is sweet and smokey.

that’s my optimism for the day. chew it like gum, because it’s rare of late.

xoxo me