when your rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and i’ll be gone

well, hmm.

i suppose i have a bachelor’s degree now.

how about that.

i suppose it’s not such a big deal, as no one seems to care about it quite as much as i do. and maybe i’m taking it too far, but i don’t care, really.

indiana seems pretty happy.

so does this chest cold i’ve got. it’s pretty contended.

i pretty much could type out any dylan lyric right about now, and it would be appropriate for how i feel.

alone, sick, in bed with the dog. it’s hailing and warm-ish.

getting antsy in the city and thinking about leaving.

patting myself on the back for what? working and paying money and staying awake (sometimes) and writing and bullshitting and planning?

for being too proud to ever give it up until i was done?

for making “moving home” never an option?

for being stubborn and unable/unwilling to take anyone’s hand?

but i guess i did do it.

and i did it myself.

now there’s nothing keeping me in bellingham.

or washington.

or anywhere.
don’t think twice, it’s alright.

xoxo me.

some days, they last longer than others.

baaaaaaaaaaaaah.

i’m inside-out. all yucky and red and ugly.

like, hey world. here are my innards.

like that exploded bird zach and i walked past in the woods.

ew. i have never felt so filthy as i did after seeing it’s little guts all strewn about and bloated.

sick.

mmmmm i don’t feel well.

on the upside, today in the computer lab, i ran into my friend aline! i haven’t seen her since she left for equador last summer. she is a very amazing and beautiful and intelligent woman. just thought i’d share that.

because for all my bitching, it’s not really that bad.

they watched the hazy sun sinking in the sea.

tonight i really wanted to feel close to my dad.

i guess i just wanted to remeber how it felt to dance in the living room after pre-school until we were both worn out and giddy.

so i put on the eagles.

it just made me cry.

well, pretty much everything makes me cry these days.

how is that people tell you that it “gets better”, when all that happens is more people you know get sick, fall into debt,  lose their minds or die?

i think it’s like what they say about childbirth, only it happens every night when you go to bed-
you forget that it hurts, so you do it again. and again. and you just keep waking up, because

a.) what else are you going to do?

and 2.) you’ve blanked out the hurt.

the problem is, this isn’t trivial shit. this isn’t roommate drama, or boyfriend troubles, or even the fact that i’m up to my ass in ever-growing loans-

this is the biggest question people have been asking since it firt occurred to someone that there is more to the grand sceme than a human lifetime.

so to answer your question, dr. lester-
the reason people keep reading shakespeare is because everyone wants to know the answer to what it is that is the question.

in other news, i don’t have a schedule for work beyond next friday, so i really can’t give specific dates on my free time/ lack there-of.

but i’m flexible. and i work at a restaurant/bar. so, you know….never a dull moment.

xoxo hanna

all dead white boys say “god is good.”

things are okay. i think i just have to keep saying that over and over again.

this too shall pass.

this too shall pass.

i swear, this will pass.

this has got to pass.

at least i finished my midterms. 2 silly papers and a few ridiculous essay exams. it’s a good thing my major is so retardedly easy.

tomorrow is motherfucking valentines day.

and i’m going to spend it with my two unconditional loves-

indiana and interstate 5.

maybe i will purchase an entire cake for the drive, and listen to better than ezra, and maybe get a strawberry air freshener and pretend i’m rolling in that white low-rider honda civic and lying about it.

and maybe i will throw chocolate kisses and swear words at passers-by, to express my rage at the idea that there needs to be ONE day where you tell people you love them. like the other 364 (actually, 365 this year) days  don’t count?

that you shouldn’t buy candy and paste collage cards for the lights of you life any other day?

please.

i’ll spend it on the road home, thankyouverymuch.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

i know my actions say no, but it’s because keeping my own self breathing and moving and living is pretty much all i can do. and running away is always something i was only kind of good at.

now leave me the hell alone and let me leave town.

even if last night i felt like a part of something nice when i was surrounded by delightful faces and heavy smoke.

and sitting on a porch with lights at the bottom of the hill, i thought “yeah, maybe something really does happen between  birth and death.”

but maybe not.

alright. this is more than an “update.”

this is a mess of emo confessional verbal drool and i shall put a stop to it now!

<3

i am exhausted

 I am exhausted -
Pillar of white in a blackout of knives.
I am the magician’s girl who does not flinch.
The villagers are untying their disguises, they are shaking hands.
Whose is that long white box in the grove, what have they accomplished,
why am I cold.

oh, sylvia. the way you say the things you do. you kill me.

tonight zach and i went to our first adult dinner party.

we were fairly entertaining. it was very strange. i was the youngest in the room. we were at a professor’s house!

and then, the craziest thing happened…

HUDSON HONGO CALLED ME.

wow. the john belushi of my life. always a soft spot in my heart. always.

spent more time in the listening lounge today. it made me so, so joyful.

now both of the boys are asleep in my lap. oh, friday night.

joyful and triumphant

today was the first day of school! i’m really looking forward to it this quarter. one of my profs is a guy i had my first quarter freshman year. and on the first day of class i came into his lit class, sat down and thought “yes- college WAS the right decision!”

and today in his class, i felt that way again! he’s just super lax and very smart. he has a very reassuring tone and reminds me of everything that is awesome about lit classes. so, yay! plus, it’s a linguistics class, so we get to do hillarious/funny things like the phonetic alphabet. which i thought was silly when i first learned it from a puttering man who even made birkenstocks look sad, but actually kind of love.

also, i listened to music for multiple hours today to get ready for radio. and i am going in early tomorrow. i am so in love with new music. recommendations are the terrordactyls, port harbor, the pieces of peace and the dynamics. YES.

p.s. listen to me streaming at noon tomorrow at www.kugs.org.

HOORAH.

plus, it’s bowling night.