too drunk and still drinking….

i don’t really like who i’ve grown into.

i’m tired of doing things i’m not proud of.

or things that i don’t remember.

it’s kind of gross.

so maybe i’ll move to california with a sunshine boy who makes me feel like a person worth loving and never look back on this foggy college town where i work in a grease-factory and drink that fact away.

i guess it’s ok, though. everyone looks back on college with a morose sort of humor, right?

….indiana is the most amazing force that ever was. just to clarify.

do something pretty while you can.

see! see!

we both try, we both win.

damn, that was a good day.

you’re the best company i’ve ever come across.

well, you and indiana.

and the dinosaurs at the museum.

or even map the ocean.

blahblah i’m a basket case.

with an exploded eye.

it’s the fates slapping me and saying “hey! don’t get so cocky!”

so i won’t.

my brother is coming to see me! i’m excited, for both of us. for poor kids like we were, getting out of town is an adventure and and of itself. this is something i’ve been explaining to zachary. apparently, when you actually have GONE on vacations, just skipping town on a train isn’t quite the same.

emma called today and was so concerned. my siblings are the best people on earth, i think.
apparently, our genetics were really great (thanks marmalade and daddy-pie)

i wish J.D.  had his passport, though, so we could cross the boarder. or that the boarder wasn’t on lockdown in the biggest diversion of all time.
what the hell, by the way? the longest undefended boarder is not really our greatest concern these days.

on that note, i feel like the government is standing in iraq, or at the boarders, or in the whitehouse, waving their arms to get all of our attention away from real issues- like the genocide we know is happening, the epidemics we aren’t aiding with, and even the depleted national guard, rendered useless when our own soil is flooding like a backed-up toilet. maybe once theMcMansions start floating down the street, assaulting civilians in the name of “freedom” won’t be such a pressing issue.

so really. let my brother and i go out of the country.

c’mon election…..

in other news, today we took the dog down to the beach to wash off our spirits.

it worked, of course. fridgid, bayside, with hoods on and shells in pockets, slipping on kelp and smelling salt and detritus.

i love this town these days.

xoxo hanna

p.s. eug-bound this weekend. already have a few dates planned. pretty fucking stoked.

makes you want to move your dancin’ feet.

here are a few things that make it OK to continue existing-

1.) Bicycles. There is truely no feeling like riding one. If you haven’t got one, maybe check Craigslist at your nearest convinience.

2.) The moon. When I was driving home last night, I was truely amazed by it. It’s this huge mass that is so in love with the Earth, that it spends all it’s time spinning around it. And it’s so complementary to the sun, that even in the night, it relfects light back to us. It’s really a great relationship, if you think about it.

3.) Indiana. This dog continues to amaze me. He learns new tricks in a matter of days,  never strays too far from my sight, and is so loving i can hardly stand it. The other thing i love about him is how much joy he brings to OTHER people. Today we walked down to the store, and every person we passed instantly radiated. He’s very adorable (of course) but he also really lives up to his second name- Sunshine!

I think I might finally be on the up-swing.

But the depth of your feelings, which is both your charm and your torment, prevented you, adorable woman that you are, from realizing the falsity of our future position.

when first we read it, everyone hated madame bovary.

yet i continually find myself coming back to it.

i’m unsure what to make of this. except that i am being indocrinated into the cult of literature and a love of language.

today, the sun was shining. it made everything feel warm, even if the ground was frozen.

also, i’ve officially turned into my grandfather- i love v8. but here is the great thing about that delightful veggie puree in a can- it has no nasty preservatives, and no corn syrup, and is only 80 calories per can.

the message here is: slim-fast is nasty, v8 is awesome. i’m going on the v8 diet.

v8 and apples. and cuties. and yogurt.

i miss my family. just thought i’d put that out there.

and now, a message to doctors, scientists, and other educated jerk-offs-

seriously. get this shit straight. what the hell.

sure, you make great-tasting genetically modified cereal, and pharmaceuticals that get college kids high without feeling like they are actually doing something wrong. and yeah, you figured out a couple of ways to make people living with diseases more “comfortable”- but really? people are dead and dying, every minute of every day. important, sweet, wonderful people. people who have made something of themselves, and of other people. people who are the product of a system that does *sometimes* work. people who are loved and love. these people, who have lived mostly healthy lives, who have children, spouses, and friends, are being eaten alive by cells on a mission that makes less sense than opperation iraqi freedom- and there’s nothing you can do to actually put a stop to it?

fucking get your shit together. stop spending money printing pink ribbons on carcinogenic water bottles and yogurt lids and t-shirts made by children with broken fingers and FIND A CURE. i know it’s more lucrative to have people on life-supporting drugs and toxic drips, but you’re slowly killing the goose that lays the cancerous eggs with chemo and radiation. you can breed a multi-million dollar pet but you can’t cure cancer? come on. step it up. we all depend on your lazy lab-coated selves. let’s move it along, here.

fuck.

what a stupid fucking word.

i’m so not sold on this whole life thing, today.

but you know what thoreau said…

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

you heard it here first…

…yup. i made the president’s list. IN COLLEGE.

so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

in other news, radio was sub-par today. technically, not a great show. and there was no new music. BOO.

also, my job interview tonight got cancelled. the lady called me while i was working out and left me a message, telling me she’d already made her decision. i think that this is a bitch move. so, maybe better that i don’t work for that wench.

can you tell that the job market is a little tough?

i’m a damn good barista. fucking hire me.

but then zach came to get me with indi and it was all better.

because those two boys are the brightest stars in the universe.

thinking of coming home for president’s day weekend…i have like, potentially 5 days off.

i’ve been having weird eug-related dreams and need to go touch base, methinks.

p.s. president’s list. HOORAH.

xoxo hanna

i am exhausted

 I am exhausted -
Pillar of white in a blackout of knives.
I am the magician’s girl who does not flinch.
The villagers are untying their disguises, they are shaking hands.
Whose is that long white box in the grove, what have they accomplished,
why am I cold.

oh, sylvia. the way you say the things you do. you kill me.

tonight zach and i went to our first adult dinner party.

we were fairly entertaining. it was very strange. i was the youngest in the room. we were at a professor’s house!

and then, the craziest thing happened…

HUDSON HONGO CALLED ME.

wow. the john belushi of my life. always a soft spot in my heart. always.

spent more time in the listening lounge today. it made me so, so joyful.

now both of the boys are asleep in my lap. oh, friday night.