the liking did me better than i ever thought it would.

i want to sleep until graduation.

and then keep sleeping.

it’s very cold in my house. thanks for trying to help, but as usual, it’s beyond any of our control.

inundated with thoughts of the media. steeping in paper topics that require a linguistic tango that exhausts me mentally, but really, doesn’t take that much effort.

i got a package today in the mail that brought me to the carpet beside the dog and in front of the space heater and kept me there for a very long time. and it hurt very much. because i hurt someone very much and i didn’t mean to. and i miss it, too, but i know it’s not like that anymore.

remember how many other things were at play? the hormones and the drugs and the depression and the loneliness and the heat and the distance and the helplessness and the poverty and the angst and the newness and the youth?

some of those factors are still present. what is no longer present is us, as eighteen and nineteen, respectively. and unfortunately, i think that that is perhaps the crux of feeling like we did when we said all of those things, and were stupid enough to put them into print.

it hurts a lot to think about how i used to feel. that summer is excruciating to remember.

i had to close the book.

give us those nice, bright colors; give us the greens of summers; makes you think all the world’s a sunny day.

a peek for everyone, because i’m trying to be positive.

and because everything you fill a new house with has lived somewhere else before.

and because you can’t spell “cartography” without “art.”

and because i’m not the only one moving.

and because everything, even beds with ladders, come full-circle.

still moving. last night was really strange. we stayed in my new yellow studio.

all of our furniture is in a storage unit fifty miles away.

and our old apartment empty, except for the all the little debris that’s left after a storm blows through.

we’ve spent the day sorting through the damage, drinking beer and wondering where the rest of our life went.

but tonight we both have to go back to work so i guess life will be the same there as it always was.

wish us luck.

xoxo hanna

(and zach and indi)

father up above, why all this hatred?

this is a holiday. a holy day. to celebrate an event that may or may have happened, but that many millions of people throughout history have staked their lives upon.

maybe it was a miracle, maybe it’s an old wives tale that somehow caught on.

and i may have only ever sat through one church service, but i know with every cell in my body that:

1.) God doesn’t see the connection between drinking before noon, eating chocolate bunnies and wearing $400 heels on a Sunday morning and his rise from the earth, either.

2.) Rabbits don’t lay eggs.

3.) “He Is Risen” is a poorly constructed sentence for all intents and purposes, save for the fact that because most English speakers would be ok with this clear mixing of tenses, linguists would have to accept it as a grammatical statement.

4.) God wants you to treat your waitress as if she really were a human. That’s kinda what he’s all about. That whole compassion, do-unto-others malarkey.

5.) God also wants you (if you’re going to celebrate his son’s return to the waking world) to stay home with your family on Easter, so that others can enjoy the same experience (see above, about the treat-thy-neighbor thing.) If no one got all spiffed up to go eat $20 eggs, then no one would have to spend the day serving on them, thus missing a gentle afternoon in reflection with their loved ones (surrogate parents included, beautiful warrens of my heart.) And parents would be forced to make conversation with their children, instead of chiding them for misbehaving in a restaurant.

So today we will drink this wine and muse about a pretty radical guy in the cradle of civilization.

And we will also think about our families, both the living and the dead,  because, regardless of who your savior is, family is it.

And try to ignore all of the things that people do in the name of salvation.
Hope everyone had someone to hug today.

xoxo me.

p.s. today one of the chefs at work was making small talk and he asked me why i was in bellingham (practically no one is actually local- the city is full of nomads) and if my family was up here, or “just me.” and i said “no, just me” and it sounded so lonely i almost cried.

p.s.s. while i was writing this, i remembered the time when i was 14 or so, on the night before Easter. and I asked her what we were doing the next day. And she responded that we were going to the grandparents and that “your aunt will probably be all dressed up, so let’s look like shit.”

that one did make me cry.

you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.

my dog is brilliant.

he can now perform the following tasks:

1.) He will roll over “dead” when I “shoot” him

2.) He will turn around in a circle when I swirl my hand.

3.) He will do a little dance on his hind legs when i curl my fingers.

4.) He will sit, stay and lie down (although usually he just rolls over, because he’s silly)

5.) When I say “FBI, get your hands against the wall!” and point to the wall, he puts his front paws up on it.

6.) Whenever I close my laptop, he gets up and runs to the door.

7.) Whenever I take out the recycling, he gets up and runs to the door.

8.) He is completely off-leash (when not around cars, etc.)

now, time for a PSA-

zach and i are both happily  medicated kids. we function better, get along better, and are more focused and competent. we are a lot less anxious and handle things a lot more rationally.

moral of the story: if you feel sad all the time, or worthless, or hopeless… GET ON DRUGS.

take advantage of modern medicine in any way it can help, because there aren’t many.

but this is legit.

i think this winter would have been much, much worse without.

and it was kind of a rough winter.

i miss the springtime.

but yeah, anti-d’s help.

almost as much as family.