too drunk and still drinking….

i don’t really like who i’ve grown into.

i’m tired of doing things i’m not proud of.

or things that i don’t remember.

it’s kind of gross.

so maybe i’ll move to california with a sunshine boy who makes me feel like a person worth loving and never look back on this foggy college town where i work in a grease-factory and drink that fact away.

i guess it’s ok, though. everyone looks back on college with a morose sort of humor, right?

….indiana is the most amazing force that ever was. just to clarify.

and in a couple years they’ve grown into a perfect family.

my new apartment is nice, but strange. when i got home at 3:30 AM after work, it was unbearably lonesome and quiet. usually, the outside world, the place between work and home, is that way, but then it’s all better when i come home and someone else is there.

which once again supports my belief that indiana is amazing. he’s really good company, for the most part.

so are ceiling fans.

and comic books!

and pirated internet.

unfortunately, i’m so spoilt, that i actually groaned when my thieved connection to a non-existent web of communication was too slow to support the viewing of any media on netflix instant. boo.

i had a really good weekend playing house with zach again. the novelty never wears off, especially when rollerblading in the house and eating ice cream for breakfast are on the agenda.

i love you! move to bellingham. jobs are stupid.

xoxo hanna

the kids don’t stand a chance.

MY JOB IS RIDICULOUS.

i love it.

every night, i get at least…

-two men giving me their phone number. one of them is usually over the age of thirty five, and the other, under 20.

-3 notes written on napkins, receipts or dollar bills.

-4 comments on my bicept tat. half just ask if i’m irish and i assume that’s what they’re asking about.

-and half a dozen people i’ve gone to school with, worked with, or who recognized me from Rocket Donuts. townie, much?

_________________________________________________

additionally, we kick someone out about….every third night.

and when you’re out, you’re out for life! suckaaaaahs.

and it’s a pretty good thing that i like my job right now, because….

everything else is bordering on too sad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tonight imma go out and get real drunk.

apparently, my boy from work also works the door at a really skeezing bros and hos bar up the street.

so i’m putting on my clubwear (HELLA) and drinking cocktails with stupid shit on the rims. GROSS.

….did i mention that zach is gone for a few days?

when i got up and realized it made me really sad.

hence, the tarting up and going out.

xoxo ME

she was gazing into the future, riding on the jack of hearts.

so i was trying to figure out what i would regret less:

lock into a lease, deal later; or be decisive now and take time to adjust.

so i was swift. because you can’t always put things off (even if later is the perfect time for everything.)

and really, it seemed like a good idea. and maybe i’m a little excited.

and now i’m really afraid that maybe it will never, ever be ok again.

your glasses on the counter next to your brand of face wash, which will always always be yours for as long as i live, was too much for me on this particularly low friday. fuck friday, by the way. fuck the weekends.

but then there’s the dog.

and he’s licking his foot like a cat/moron.

and he’ll still be around to leave socks on the floor.

and to whine for no reason.

and to lick my feet while i’m shaving my legs in the bath, in the dark.

but i can’t say i won’t cry a lot.

and you know that’s really why i’m looking at apartments, still.

because maybe if i find you the perfect one, you’ll stay.

i have never lived in this town without you here.

it will be an entirely new challenge and

i kind of want to pass on the whole thing.

…i don’t like this at all.

do something pretty while you can.

see! see!

we both try, we both win.

damn, that was a good day.

you’re the best company i’ve ever come across.

well, you and indiana.

and the dinosaurs at the museum.

The same tale sends them all to bed, and wakes them in the morning.

the day before yesterday, i went to see cat power on a comp ticket in reserved seating.

yesterday, my phone fell out of my pocket on my way home from the bus stop, and someone called zach’s phone to let them know that it was found. i got it back within an hour of losing it.

today, i am venturing to seattle with the warrens to see the dalai lama, and dave matthews, and tim reynolds, and some other surprise opener.

and as always, my true loves continue to overlook my glaring flaws, fits of rage, lack of rational thinking and general selfishness.

so, fear not all- i am being taken care of, perhaps moreso than i deserve. the people in the world boggle my mind. i am forever in debt to the creatures of this earth.

i love you all very much.

xoxo hanna

in a way, those things are more realer than any of us.

a few quick notes about a few little things:

• there are a lot of silly people. but there are also a lot of rays of sunlight that break through and beam down and make my face feel warm.

• visual art is healthy on  many fronts.

• no one, i don’t think, is ever truly “sane” or “normal”- and anyone who says they are is lying.

• my dog is a very warm and beautiful and salty-smelling little squirt.

• my car is a tank.

• my body is a conduit.

• and i’m a conjunction.

xoxo me.

p.s. mom- yeah, you’re right. this blog is way fancy now. i kind of like it.

time to give it up; on a pick-it-up mission, kept it bitter

my fingers feel like tools that i use, outside of my actual self.

it’s strange how much control the mind can have over the body when it wants to.

i have paint ground into my nailbeds.

and words coming out of my eyeballs.

it’s kind of ridiculous how many things i can make.

their quality is debatable but

nonetheless

i am capable of creation.

not quite sure why god feels so special.

xoxo me

p.s. officially on spring break. essays: behind me. art project: donezo. now it’s just work by the bay and taking my dog on epic adventures through woods and water and narrow little suburban streets.

like riding out a sinking ship as it lowers into the baaaaay….

here i am again. there is nothing at all romantic about leaving and coming and going and college- it’s just sad.

my friends mean more to me than anything i could ever hope for. two amazing, compassionate girls, a handful of beautiful, comforting, loving boys, and too many precious spaces to count or really even get to know.

it’s hard leaving home.

and then there is the family you are born to- the ones whose little pieces you are made up of. they are literally part of you, and you want to badly to rememeber that that you ink it onto your skin and you etch it into your life until your eyes are sunken back so far they might never see the light of day.

breathe. reboot.

yes it’s hard to leave the valley.

but i made contact. and that was what was important. and now i’m back reestablishing what there was before my hiatus.

zachary said he’d missed me- but i never thought he’d demonstrate it to the degree he has been. it’s like an entirely different person. actually, it’s more like Zachary 2.0. he’s been really incredible. and while i love it and appreciate him immensely, i really kind of need a tiny bit of breathing room to get back into my niche in the north. but i do love him. and i am extremely impressed.

there is a lot going on. i’m all at sea, and there’s a storm on the horizon.

but now it’s getting late.

and as i lay me down to sleep…..

please bless everyone i love in every city they live in.

xoxo hanna